i have a problem that alcohol was only a symptom of. getting to the bottom of that problem is not the easiest thing i have ever done for myself, but i swear, it is the most altering.
i am thankful i have a good sponsor now that kicks my butt when necessary (and she comes up to my shoulder in real life...i happen to find her a giant...) and a precious telephone sponsor from idaho that i can tell my junk to and he doesn't even flinch (or i am thinking he isn't because i can't see the faces he is making...) last night was one of those such nights.
i started to dally in an internet behavior i haven't latched onto since the beginning of december. mind you, it has crossed my mind on occasion, but last night, i came across certain things while stumbling that made it an easy segue; i actually forced myself away from the computer, went to the couch, got on my face, and cried out to God for mercy because i really do not want to go "there."
i really, in my heart of hearts, do not.
i felt better after i prayed, but still had the insomnia. i text-messaged my idaho guy and sort of hinted around that i was having a certain type of problem, which i should have probably just called him and said "look, i am really messed up right now," but he knows me well enough that he understood. and just by telling someone that i was messed up in my head and my heart was enough to dispel the secret and allow me to meet with peaceful sleep.
secrets. they thrive in the darkest recesses of my mind and heart. difficult thing, becoming a woman of grace and dignity, if i continue to hold onto my old ideas. there really is no easier, softer way when it comes down to staring down your demons -- you need to get them out of the dark and into the light where they dissipate the same as ice does when it meets with a warm sun.
conversely, if i didn't share with my phone sponsor the nature of my beast, it would have enveloped me had i allowed it a bigger foothold. crying out to God was my first defense; having the urge to tell another person, my second. had i not utilized either/or - making an inventory and then admitting to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs - i would have been on the road toward a drink. if one thing becomes "okay" when it clearly is not okay, the next easy thing would be to pick up a drink. i can justify anything i want to.
thing is, i don't want to be on that road -- and i felt it all day today, a little jammed up, a little hungover from the wrestling last night, a little mortified, and a lot forgiving of myself because i simply had the wherewithal to do the next right thing. i am just another alcoholic trying to get another 24 hours of sobriety. one segment at a time. but how important it is to see what is going on, identifying it, and actually calling yourself out on it.
at least it was for me.